“A meaningful silence is always better than meaningless words.”
Is it me? Is there something that’s not connecting in my brain, that leads me to believe I am alone in my journey. Why does grief affect me in a way that I am constantly disappointing those around me. What I’m doing doesn’t feel wrong, so why are so many people around me telling me it is.
I am having a hard time understanding why it is so wrong to pursue something that brings me joy instead of misery and stress. I am having anxiety about the fact that even in this new journey I took for my livelihood, that it is a failure and I’ve only just begun.
Is it unhealed trauma from when I was a student and failed to have a single teacher see my potential? Is it that I am selfish? Am I broken?
Even amidst my broken-ness I know that I am not alone. I have myself. I have the person who has gotten me through every uphill battle in life – and she IS strong.
Financial stress is normal, but I feel that even if it takes a little longer to achieve my goals, it is worth it if I am pursuing something that keeps me out of the black cloud of depression.
My fear of genetic cancer is something that holds me back. Actually scratch that, it only teaches me to live presently, and that is precisely what I am doing. Living for the moment – is that selfish? Does it make me a bad person that my husband has uprooted his whole life to be here and is working gruelling hours while I…pursue things that aren’t up to standards…
Guilt. It has a grip on me. Grief. Doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Life – is moving forward and I am at a standstill.
This post is not a cry for help. It is my opportunity to put words to the emotions I have been fighting recently. I began another small business to build confidence in women whose bodies, like mine, may have changed in the midst of the pandemic. I found comfort in loungewear that allows me to be myself, regardless of shape and size. So I pursued it. It launched. I invested. I did all of the steps properly and now I’m at a point where it is so hard to show up every day for it, when everyone around me would rather me just “get any job”.
Writing this I am nauseous. This is probably the most vulnerable of posts I’ve made. But in writing I am reminded of my superpower. That is, to be VULNERABLE. There is no growth without vulnerability. There is no strength without pushing the boundaries. I have strength, I know I do. I do not believe I am weak. I do not believe I am doing the wrong thing, because all of these steps work for me – even if the financial stress is still there. I would rather be poor if it means I am not losing hours with loved ones stressing over jobs that only make me brittle.
I know I am not alone, even if I feel that way. Anxiety has a way of playing with your thoughts that is cruel. It knows your weaknesses and it will exploit them. I am not alone. I am not alone.
I am strong. I am courageous. I am fighting for a happier and healthier life – and that is what keeps me going.
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Always remember that you’re not alone, and we’re all in this battle of life. You are competent enough to face your turmoil head-on. You just gotta take the first step.
Please note, that the information provided by TheWorryingWife, or through links to other sites, is not a substitute for medical or professional care, nor should you use the information provided in place of a visit, call, consultation or the advice of your physician or other healthcare professional.
This blog is a means of connecting and sharing experiences through grief and anxiety and how to manage at home during times of uncertainty.
Please seek the advice and help you need from a medical professional in order to best tackle your own personal struggles and challenges.