“Even though death has torn us apart, your love lives forever inside of my heart”
– C.A. Martine
365 days. How? Waking up this morning, my daily routine has pretty much stayed the same. Except that he’s not here. I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that one whole year has passed since we said our goodbyes. Since I’ve heard your laugh or felt your embrace.
This year has not been the same.
Grief ultimately looks like days where you smile through the pain, build memories that you know would be sweeter with him alive, broken plates when you can’t do anything else about the pent up emotions. It looks like literally crawling out of bed after crying for hours on end. Being fine one moment, and an absolute disaster the next. There are so many emotions to dissect in one year, that it is only through reflection of which we can get stronger. At least that’s what I tell myself.
I spent days on end being angry at the world. At the loved ones who were in denial and rather than comforting him in his last moments brought in their own problems. A dying man who put aside his own pain and sorrow to comfort his loved ones. That is simply who he was.
At the doctors who couldn’t diagnose and give him the opportunity to fight through treatment. At the cancer that has taken countless members of my family in the exact same manner.
Anger still lives inside me. I have not shut her up. I don’t know if I ever will. But one year later, she has simmered down. She is still there, but is no longer barking, rather whispering somewhere in the corner. She is overpowered by a multitude of other emotions that push me forward each and every single day.
How on earth am I supposed to go through the rest of my life without his advice? When your go-to person is no longer there, where do you go? Things that seemed to ease my anxiety before were now thrown out the window and I was forced to start again. New coping mechanisms had to be established. There is a constant fear of messing up. A constant worry that holds you back and you tell yourself …”I’m sure this is what he would’ve wanted me to do.”
Nothing says fear like a side of guilt. The guilt lives inside me through every decision. Daily I come across moments where I hear his voice in my head, and I simply can’t ignore it. Thanks to the stubbornness I picked up from him, some days I follow the beat of my own drum as I have in life until now…but some days it knocks you over like a tidal wave and you’re stuck in quicksand that encompasses your heart and soul.
This is the obvious one. This is the emotion that leaves your heart aching. The one that has dragged me along since the beginning. There are certain things that leave me in tears no matter how long has passed. Going to church, I see your face in the crowds. I recall your voice…how it rejoiced during services. Seeing family members I know you loved so dearly. Waking up next to my husband in Canada, when all you wanted was to know that he got his Canadian papers. He’s here now – but you’re not, and you were so looking forward to it – and that – that is SAD. I can’t run from this emotion. I absolutely must acknowledge it. No amount of positive affirmations will make me believe that it is not sad to lose a loved one.
The most important emotion to have come from 365 days of grieving. I am grateful for 25 years of my life that I had you guiding me. All of your life lessons I carry day in and day out, as if you were here.
I am grateful, that you are no longer suffering. That everything happened before this pandemic took over and that we were given the opportunity as a family to be by your side in hospital.
I am grateful that this strengthened my faith in God. There are simply unexplainable things that have happened over the past year that can only be chalked up to my faith in God.
I am grateful that you once again showed me the importance of family – the love between man and wife – the power of having unity within the home. You were exemplary.
I am grateful for understanding that not everything has to be negative. Pick and choose your battles. There are things that yes, we should get angry over, but there are more things to be grateful for.
I am grateful, ultimately, for the courage you give me. It is because of you that I even started this blog. It is with you in mind that I began a small business. It is your words of constant encouragement in life that told me to move forward with my ideas because ultimately it makes me stronger.
Thank you for your love.
365 days. How did we get here? How did we survive?
Grief is all of these emotions felt at least 10 times a day and yet as humans, we have the strength to keep moving forward. Isn’t that incredible? Our hearts may be in a million pieces, but his memory will be eternal. His love will be blanketing us like the sky above, his guidance forever in our hearts.
I’ll end off with a bunch of FREE resources to get you tackling your chaos today.
Always remember that you’re not alone, and we’re all in this battle of life. You are competent enough to face your turmoil head-on. You just gotta take the first step.
Please note, that the information provided by TheWorryingWife, or through links to other sites, is not a substitute for medical or professional care, nor should you use the information provided in place of a visit, call, consultation or the advice of your physician or other healthcare professional.
This blog is a means of connecting and sharing experiences through grief and anxiety and how to manage at home during times of uncertainty.
Please seek the advice and help you need from a medical professional in order to best tackle your own personal struggles and challenges.