“I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name was grief”

This picture was taken just about a year ago. I was home from Serbia. My family was together – but we already knew. We knew that my father’s health was only going to get worse. Don’t get me wrong – we held onto hope every single day that it wouldn’t…that we could fight it.

When it did get worse, and ultimately when we lost my father, I was angry. Angry that he was gone, angry at the doctors, angry at everyone around me who tried to help but were struggling themselves to “say the right thing”. It was ugly. I was angry at all of the people we met along the way who were given the opportunity to fight, and receive treatment.

Why couldn’t we have had that option?

There were (and there continue to be) moments, where I simply don’t understand. The most accurate analogy is that grief is a rollercoaster. The butterflies stay in your stomach the entire time. There’s ups and downs and moments where you flat out want to throw up.

Something I struggle with even more – is not the anger I have with myself, but the frustration I feel witnessing people around me. Nope, it has nothing to do with the lack of support we feel as a family. It’s the frustration I feel listening to the complaints of people around me.

Complaints regarding irrelevant parts of life that don’t have to affect you. I seriously thought with the pandemic that more people would come to realize how short life is. How irrelevant some of our worries are. That holding onto so much anger won’t fix the problem at hand. How crucial it is to spend time with our loved ones, with people that bring joy and happiness into our life. It’s when I notice that people I care about continue to avoid simple tasks that will bring them peace of mind, that my frustration reappears.

Ask anyone who met my father even briefly – or anyone who knew him for years, and they will all say the same thing. He was FULL of life. His heart was massive, and all he wanted was to help every single person he crossed paths with. He worked so hard to give us a life worth living – only to have everything cut short before his 60th birthday.

You could say that my anger continues to linger because I’m so upset that someone so full of life is gone while people around me who have their health and family and EVERYTHING else going for them are wasting away their peace and happiness by holding onto irrelevant pettiness or disregarding what is right in front of them…

It’s such a frustrating concept to which my only solution thus far is to focus on myself. I can only control my own wellbeing  and happiness. I can try to help those around me, but until they decide enough is enough, my words will not get very far. 

I thought I was past my anger. Writing this post I realize it is most definitely still lingering. 

Practicing gratitude I’ve noticed is extremely helpful in maintaining an ounce of daily positivity. There are quite literally thousands of reasons to feel grateful from the moment we open our eyes. 

Thank you – for another day.

Living will always be hard. Particularly after experiences that teach us lessons. But it’s also beautiful. We’re all going through life for the first time – so why not fight for happiness and inner peace. Why not fight to build a life that provides love for your loved ones. 

It is so simple to look at all the reasons life may be working against you. But I encourage you to find gratitude – wake up and list 1…or 3..or 10 reasons to be grateful that you were given the opportunity to have another day. 

My journey, albeit annoying, is teaching me that I can’t ignore my anger – or my grief. The two happen to be related – and I personally don’t know if my frustration will ever disappear. But it is my job – and mine alone – to be willing to fight for stability within my own chaos. To wake up every day, grateful to have life in front of me. 

To my Tata, 

Thank you for teaching me the importance of love and family. Thank you for instilling qualities of understanding into my soul, to turn the other cheek and always try to understand what it is someone else may be going through. How their own experiences shaped the person they are today.

Yours are the lessons I hold deepest in my heart, and the one’s that guide me in my own journey. 

VIH


I’ll end off with a bunch of FREE resources to get you tackling your chaos today. 

Always remember that you’re not alone, and we’re all in this battle of life. You are competent enough to face your turmoil head-on. You just gotta take the first step.

20 pages of prompts, trackers, and questions to bring you back to your core!
Start your month off right – get it down, pen to paper what you hope to accomplish!
Break down those pesky barriers that have been holding you back from finding the inner peace you deserve to feel!


Disclaimer:

Please note, that the information provided by TheWorryingWife, or through links to other sites, is not a substitute for medical or professional care, nor should you use the information provided in place of a visit, call, consultation or the advice of your physician or other healthcare professional.

This blog is a means of connecting and sharing experiences through grief and anxiety and how to manage at home during times of uncertainty. 

Please seek the advice and help you need from a medical professional in order to best tackle your own personal struggles and challenges. 

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