Read that quote. Read it again. Until it’s engraved in your soul.
It stuck with me from the first night I opened Vex King’s “Good Vibes, Good Life”, and burned through the pages. It was exactly what I needed to reflect on in the moment.
As a worrier, I’m quick to take on everyone else’s emotions around me and multiply that feeling by 1000. Seriously, ask my Serbian folklore dance troupe – if one person near me is having a rough day and lashing out, well…I’m going to lash out harder.
That’s not being competitive. That’s coping terribly. It’s honestly… just bad ju-ju for everyone.
Another more recent example that I can relate this quote to, goes back to the last month of my father’s life. For a little bit of context, my father’s cancer took him QUICK. After all, it was pancreatic, which if you haven’t yet heard, isn’t diagnosable until it’s too late.
For a little more context, BOTH of my rockstar parents were in the medical field. They know their business. They’ve seen this before. WE’VE seen it before as a family. It’s all over my father’s side – so we have some experience, unfortunately, in dealing with familial loss.
Okay…enough context – By that point, we as a close knit family unit knew what direction we were heading in. We spent EVERY MOMENT at the hospital because literally NOTHING and NO ONE else matters when someone you love is dying.
However, while dealing with this BIG, MASSIVE, EMOTIONAL, GUT WRENCHING HARDSHIP – we also had the morbid task of informing everyone else who loved and knew my father on what was happening. Most people were extremely supportive, extremely loving, helping us every single day from parking passes, to making sure we were eating and taking breaks if needed. But there were days where informing people, and giving them the opportunity to properly say goodbye was met with a big fat wall of denial.
“You can’t give up on him like that” “He’s going to be fine as long as we pray” “There’s NO WAY he’s going to die – doctors have been wrong before”
500% of me knows they were all coming from a place of support. But unfortunately, it wasn’t helpful. They were coping with the information we had to break to them while simultaneously going through the hardest moments of our life. It was not easy coming to the realization that there was probably nothing we could do to help him.
And just because we were preparing ourselves – did NOT mean we were giving up on him.
We had faith. It never disappeared. I just… had faith that he would not be suffering much longer. Watching a parent – the person who brought you to life on this planet – suffer in pain is the most awful thing I have had to go through thus far.
Even now, while I write, I feel the most awful weight of guilt that there wasn’t more we could do.
But that’s a worry to deal with on another day.
What I quickly came to understand after being met with walls of other people’s denial was that I did not have time to deal with trying to prove that my father was dying to this person. I only had time to spend with my father. Caring for him, laughing with him and taking in as much as I could during the time I had left. After all, I am grateful we had that time – he did not pass suddenly. We were given the gift of time.
I could not go to my old coping mechanisms. I could not fight with people I loved after all, on whether or not he did in fact have a tumor across his abdomen.
What I could do – and what I strive to adapt to my every day worries is keeping in mind that I am only capable of controlling and coping with my own internal battles. I gotta take that extra minute to breathe, calm down, and listen to what my body is telling me – what the inner depths of my faith and soul are screaming at me to just get my act together a little bit more.
It’s not easy. I have difficulties even writing about it – never mind putting it into action.
I encourage you to take a hot second, literally right now, and just close your eyes, focus on your breath and for a moment just be with yourself. No thinking. Inhale. Exhale. Open your eyes, and then continue your tasks.
Note to self: BUY MORE BOOKS LIKE THIS because I had a whole rude (but amazing) awakening.
If you are interested in grabbing the book, I gave you the Amazon link above, or you can find it on my Self-Love Suga’ page under Good Reads – it’s honestly a steal considering the amount of self-reflection you go through within even the first few pages.
Please note, that the information provided by TheWorryingWife, or through links to other sites, is not a substitute for medical or professional care, nor should you use the information provided in place of a visit, call, consultation or the advice of your physician or other healthcare professional.
This blog is a means of connecting and sharing experiences through grief and anxiety and how to manage at home during times of uncertainty.
Please seek the advice and help you need from a medical professional in order to best tackle your own personal struggles and challenges.
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