“Maybe you lost someone you never expected you would lose. Maybe you lost yourself, that’s even worse.”
I wasn’t going to write today. I woke up fine…great, even. And then it hit me.
The soul crushing tidal wave took over every inch of my body while the weight of three planets sat on my chest. The hurt, gasping for air, the sadness, the nausea. Out of nowhere.
What triggered me? What pushed me over the edge? I can’t seem to figure it out. Maybe it’s everything at once – maybe it’s nothing at all.
Lately, it’s been hard. I started to experience symptoms of anxiety I never felt before. Maybe it’s the pandemic…the realisation I’ve been unemployed for a year…maybe it’s that next week we celebrate one year since we gathered our families in Belgrade for our marriage. Or maybe, it’s that soon after that, we light our candles to mark 6 months since my father’s passing.
Have you ever tried to write about mindfulness and healthy reactions while going through your own mini-downward spiral. It’s hard. How do I advocate for something so positive when I can’t even fix myself.
There it is. That word. Fix. I can’t fix myself.
It’s not a matter of fixing but a matter of adjusting, learning and growing. I tell myself this every single day and I still can’t breakthrough that word. The worst club I ever joined is the one where you grieve the loss of a parent. You’re not in it until you’re in it. Nobody will understand that pain until they go through it. Until they go through the hospital visits… the fear…the heartache of watching your superhero father cry from pain, from sadness.
Whilst trying to grieve in a healthy manner, I’m also trying to establish a new life with my husband. Our first year of marriage consisted of me moving back to Canada after a couple of months of tying the knot to be with my family and my sick father, applying for his paperwork, re-filing forms, making sure we got everything in on time and then just waiting until he was given the opportunity to move to Canada. He did. The day after my father passed I got the email about his approval. December 31st he landed. What a way to begin the year. But now we’re restarting a life we already had pretty set in Serbia. After all – this is the “honeymoon phase” every one talks about – the time where we should be making a home for ourselves, starting a family, building together…and now…there’s the bonus level of the pandemic.
It is so hard keeping it together.
I don’t think I have it harder than anyone else – even within my own family there are those who are hurting more. This is not a pity party.
It’s just a – how do I get my life together at a time when uncertainty is all around me party.
I feel like I’ve lost myself on top of losing my father. How am I supposed to be a good wife, daughter, sister and friend when I can’t even be good to myself.
I’m learning. I’m practicing. Daily. Affirmations, yoga, prayer, crafts, reading, expanding my knowledge – all of it keeps me busy 9-5, and I like to think it’s helping. It most likely is. I guess some days are just harder than others, and I have to keep in mind that this is all a part of the process.
Note to self: take it easy today, it’s okay to have a breakdown.
Check out some of my favourite “Go To” reads in my Self-Love Shop that have helped me fight anxiety, grief while building self-confidence! Help me build my library by recommending your own go to reads!
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