“Maybe you lost someone you never expected you would lose. Maybe you lost yourself, that’s even worse.”

“Maybe you lost someone you never expected you would lose. Maybe you lost yourself, that’s even worse.”

I wasn’t going to write today. I woke up fine…great, even. And then it hit me.

The soul crushing tidal wave took over every inch of my body while the weight of three planets sat on my chest. The hurt, gasping for air, the sadness, the nausea. Out of nowhere.

What triggered me? What pushed me over the edge? I can’t seem to figure it out. Maybe it’s everything at once – maybe it’s nothing at all.

Lately, it’s been hard. I started to experience symptoms of anxiety I never felt before. Maybe it’s the pandemic…the realisation I’ve been unemployed for a year…maybe it’s that next week we celebrate one year since we gathered our families in Belgrade for our marriage. Or maybe, it’s that soon after that, we light our candles to mark 6 months since my father’s passing.

Have you ever tried to write about mindfulness and healthy reactions while going through your own mini-downward spiral. It’s hard. How do I advocate for something so positive when I can’t even fix myself.

There it is. That word. Fix. I can’t fix myself.

It’s not a matter of fixing but a matter of adjusting, learning and growing. I tell myself this every single day and I still can’t breakthrough that word. The worst club I ever joined is the one where you grieve the loss of a parent. You’re not in it until you’re in it. Nobody will understand that pain until they go through it. Until they go through the hospital visits… the fear…the heartache of watching your superhero father cry from pain, from sadness.

Whilst trying to grieve in a healthy manner, I’m also trying to establish a new life with my husband. Our first year of marriage consisted of me moving back to Canada after a couple of months of tying the knot to be with my family and my sick father, applying for his paperwork, re-filing forms, making sure we got everything in on time and then just waiting until he was given the opportunity to move to Canada. He did. The day after my father passed I got the email about his approval. December 31st he landed. What a way to begin the year. But now we’re restarting a life we already had pretty set in Serbia. After all – this is the “honeymoon phase” every one talks about – the time where we should be making a home for ourselves, starting a family, building together…and now…there’s the bonus level of the pandemic.

It is so hard keeping it together.

I don’t think I have it harder than anyone else – even within my own family there are those who are hurting more. This is not a pity party.

It’s just a – how do I get my life together at a time when uncertainty is all around me party.

I feel like I’ve lost myself on top of losing my father. How am I supposed to be a good wife, daughter, sister and friend when I can’t even be good to myself.

I’m learning. I’m practicing. Daily. Affirmations, yoga, prayer, crafts, reading, expanding my knowledge – all of it keeps me busy 9-5, and I like to think it’s helping. It most likely is. I guess some days are just harder than others, and I have to keep in mind that this is all a part of the process.

Note to self: take it easy today, it’s okay to have a breakdown.


Check out some of my favourite “Go To” reads in my Self-Love Shop that have helped me fight anxiety, grief while building self-confidence! Help me build my library by recommending your own go to reads! 

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13 thoughts on ““Maybe you lost someone you never expected you would lose. Maybe you lost yourself, that’s even worse.”

  1. Draga moja Melanija,
    tvoje reci su tako jake i u sto vreme tako tužne da probadaju svako srce. Ja te potpuno razumem. Kada sam ja izgubila moju majku ja nisam mogla da funkcionisem više od dve godine. Vreme je učinilo svoj zadatak. Ja sam sa mojom mamom a sada i sa tatom uvek zajedno u mojim mislima. Oni su uvek samnom i pored mene kao sto je Goran uvek tvoja senka i tu će ostati za uvek. Ja razumem tvoju tugu, jer nikada nije vreme da se izgubi roditelj. Goran će bi sretan da vidi svoju devojčicu sretnu, veselu i raspevanu, kao nekad.
    Pokušaj da to uradiš za njega. Neće biti lako ali probaj svejedno.
    Tvoja misao je jača od svega.
    Javi mi se
    Voli te tetka

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your post really spoke to me. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to fix everything, when so much needs fixing? I think a lot of our anxiety rises from that, knowing we can’t really fix anything, even our self. We can, as you say, just keep adjusting, learning, growing. Taking one day at a time. Not looking back or forward.Finding moments of joy in the everyday.My heart goes out to all of us struggling in these difficult times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for such kind, loving and (most importantly) supportive words. It’s gut-wrenching and yet heartwarming to know that we are going through it together. Some days you almost feel numb to it – like a robot while other days you share every ounce of strength you have with the world. Thank you once again for reaching out, it truly made my day

      Like

  3. oooooof I feel this piece. Just holding what you can together during this time is good enough if you ask me.
    In the last 5 years I’ve been with my now husband I went through Breast Cancer, I recovered, we planned the wedding, we almost lose my my mother weeks before the ceremony, then I get pregnant which was a blessing but it was a difficult pregnancy. We moved and start settling into the new rental when the pandemic hits. I just want 1 normal year without anything crazy… just 1 year to recover and have some peace and quiet with the baby and husband.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t even know where to begin with my response. First of all you are the symbol of strength in my eyes. I’m sorry you’ve had so many rollercoasters in such a short amount of time. CONGRATULATIONS on kicking life’s ass and being able to tell the tale! Thank you for reaching out to me, I love learning about my readers and you are so inspirational! sending you lots of love and praying for a little bit of peace to be sent your way – if not in life than internal self peace at least! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. The stresses of life are what some would say it is… however, not always the case my lovely new friend, gasping for air, partners in crime, even wellness, how hard are that I must admit?

    My own blog tells many stories of my life, someone else’s, and some and not enough of others I might add, we do the best we can with what we “only know”, right? So, how does one know? Well, all I can say we do the best we can and with some little help sometimes some people can teach us something new.. Even ourselves, lovely blog and thank you for following mine.

    Have a great day Franny x

    Liked by 1 person

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