Even while writing this post, I feel impatient.
How do I get writer’s block the moment I sit down to write? As always my post is centred around a specific quote or concept that seems to help me unwind some of my own anxieties or troubles from the past. This post is like the nitty-gritty, the juicy deets of my past issues, that still, although less often, continue to sneak up on me in one way or another.
I got married at 24. Shock…we all know this. Okay, but before I got married I had one twisted journey of relationships and heartbreaks. I often wore my heart on my sleeve (to say the least) and was always seeking my “better-half” so to speak. Someone who I could build and share a happy life with.
Let me tell you this rollercoaster was atrocious. I mean yeah, sure I had good times, good years even… but overall the lows endured were some of the lowest I have ever had. My coping mechanisms after heartbreak were definitely not healthy and left me with more anxiety and more emotional and physical pain than I could handle. It didn’t matter how much of myself I gave or opened up, or changed (p.s. Don’t ever change yourself for someone) I always ended up hurting. What I realise now, and we all know how much I love cliché sayings, is that, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I just wasn’t with the right person.
As hard as it was having gone through these lessons I wouldn’t have changed them. Obviously, I wish I knew then what I know now but … realistically I wouldn’t have learned anything and I probably would’ve made other stupid more detrimental mistakes.
After all, it was because of all of these lessons that I was able to know the seriousness of my emotions for my husband after a few days of us talking. Everything, LITERALLY EVERYTHING that had gone wrong in the past was heading in the right direction from our first conversation. You know when people say that someone “ticks all of their boxes”, it was like that but not for the typical like “tall, dark and handsome” nonsense but like “he knows my story and respects me, he works hard for his own stability and he thinks I’m the funniest person on the planet”. Maybe that last one was not as serious as the first two but the point is, I got more out of talking to and spending time with this man for a few days than I had got from trying to build and force connections in the past.
I am a firm believer that everything in life happens for a reason and just at the right time. Over and over again has my past taught me that in hindsight. Including with the passing of my father. I still believe it’s unfair that we lost him, but I’m also grateful that he’s no longer suffering. Even though I believe life gives and takes at the right moment, I often get impatient. And when I’m impatient, I’m miserable. Like “don’t come near me” miserable.
My faith helps me through this I think more than anything else. “If it is God’s will” is a statement that stays with me daily and I think is important to keep in mind if one is spiritual.
Regardless, feeling impatient is wasted energy. Learn to understand the reason for the delay and relax – anger won’t speed things along.
In terms of relationships, the love you may be seeking will come at the right time, the right place and with the right person that was meant to love you the way you always wanted. I know how stupid this sounds coming from me, like “…cool you’re already married it’s easy for you to say that…”
Listen, right before I met my husband I essentially told myself, “I give up, it’s in God’s hands now, I’m no longer looking, or trying to find someone, I need to put ALL of that energy into myself.” I was probably the happiest I had ever been. Everything was going well, I was strong and stable, my anxiety was under control, I was living abroad finishing my masters and BOOOM in walks this man who turned my entire world upside down in a matter of days. (Obviously for the better)
That’s my only suggestion, throw all of that energy you spend dissecting convo’s and stolen glances into yourself. Allow yourself to grow and be happy within your own body and mind. Only when you love yourself are you ready to love someone else. Your partner is a reflection of you so invest in them wisely.
As mentioned before, by no means are my husband and I perfect in our relationship, we fight, bicker, scream, but also love whole-heartedly, take care of each other and grow together. Marriage won’t work if it’s “I promise to love you until I stop.” It has to be a daily conscientious promise to love someone even when it’s hard because nobody and nothing is perfect and what you share together is worth it.
Check out some of my favourite “Go To” reads in my Self-Love Shop that have helped me fight anxiety, grief while building self-confidence! Help me build my library by recommending your own go to reads!
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