On Growing & Grieving
It’s a really weird feeling…trying to work on yourself while also grieving. I want to scream and cry and punch pillows – but the other side of me wants to be calm, cool and collected. I want to be stronger for my mother who lost her soul mate just after I exchanged vows with mine. There’s an irony to it.
Some days I’m strong enough to understand that it happened this way for a reason. My father is no longer suffering or in pain. And other days I don’t understand it all.
I try to keep in mind that he’s still with all of us. Countless times as a family we have caught ourselves asking ..”ok, what would he do in this situation? How would he fix this? How would he approach this?” This helps… a bit.
But I don’t think it’s the anxiety of thinking we won’t keep his memory alive that eats at me. I think it’s the fact that when I have set backs, when I snap, lose my cool, have those moments…I struggle with understanding that making mistakes is all a part of the process – and that my dad wouldn’t be…or isn’t disappointed in me.
It’s hard to grasp that, in order to grow I have to go through this. In order to gain control of my anxiety I have to fight with my own understanding of self. It’s a lot easier said than done. There’s a quote I once scribbled into my notebook on prayers and thoughts, and even while I write this and unwind my inner turmoil I look back at my chicken-scratch writing to remind myself:
“You don’t just wake up someday and fall in love with yourself. It takes time. It takes patience, but more than that it takes self compassion, empathy and kindness from yourself, for all of the mistakes you have made and all of the chances you didn’t take. Like all other forms of love, you will learn to love yourself by practicing self-love.”
That is what this journey is all about. It’s about learning how to process what has happened while gaining stability within myself so that I can be the best version of myself possible; not just for me, but for my loved ones. For my husband, my sister, my mother, my god-brother and my entire family.
Note to self: Patience, Compassion, Empathy and Kindness.
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